either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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