Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
