I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
