If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
