Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
