I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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