dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
