There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
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