this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
