I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
