Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
