I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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