using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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