I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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