my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
did i walk over a car last night?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
