i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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