You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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