She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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