my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
