I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
