who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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