i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
