Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
