I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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