you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
