do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
