He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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