he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
