Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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