My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
