Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
There's always time for handjobs
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
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