Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
