My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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