he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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