Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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