actually, I'm a sock model
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
