I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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