In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
