Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
