its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
