u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
