Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
so explain again why im purple
no
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
