I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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