When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
