Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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