i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
