My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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