1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
