If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
