so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
