those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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