Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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