My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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