the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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