If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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