so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
