sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
